A Grad I Am

Student

I am a grad,
a grad I am.

Advisor

That grad I am, that grad I am,
he's not too bright that grad I am.

Student

Can I pass my prelim exam?

Advisor

You cannot pass your prelim exam.
You cannot pass it, grad I am.

Student

Can I pass it with a talk?
Writing with a piece of chalk?

[waves chalk and bunch of papers]

Advisor

You cannot pass it with a talk
while writing with a piece of chalk.
You cannot pass your prelim exam.
You cannot pass it, grad I am.

Student

Can I pass it with a paper?
Would that be a successful caper?

[waves paper]

Advisor

No, you cannot with a paper.
What an idiotic caper!
You cannot pass it with a talk,
not even with a box of chalk!
You cannot pass your prelim exam.
You cannot pass it, grad I am!

Student

What about a sit-down test?

[sits down in chair]

Do you think that would be best?

Advisor

You cannot take a sit-down test.
Don't even try -- give it a rest.

Student

If I work eight days a week?
Pausing just to take a leak?

Advisor

Eight days a week? You lazy freak!
No sit-down test, you stupid pest!
Not with a paper -- what a lame-ass caper!
Not with a talk. Not with some chalk!
You will not pass your prelim exam!
You will not pass it, grad I am!

Student

May I, may I, sometime soon?
Before we colonize the moon?

Advisor

No you may not sometime soon.
Why must you be such a loon?

Student

Would I, could I, on the quad?

Advisor

No you can't, you silly clod!
Not sometime soon! Not on the moon!
No sit-down test, you stupid pest!
Not with a paper -- a lame-ass caper!
Not with a talk. Not with some chalk!
You will not pass your prelim exam!
You will not pass it, grad I am!

Student

But I can measure with a ruler.
[walks across with Heisenberg ruler]
And I've got a well-stocked cooler.

[gestures towards beer cooler]

Advisor

I care not for your silly ruler,
and that's Pabst Blue Ribbon in your cooler.

Student

What if I found the particle mu
dancing around in a pink tutu?

[gestures towards "mu in tutu", who dances in]

Advisor

This guy's dancing stinks! P-U! Is that the best that you can do?

[pushes "mu in tutu" away, and "mu in tutu" dances off stage]

Not with a ruler. Not with a cooler.
Not on the quad, like Oh My Gawd!
No sit-down test, give it a rest.
Not with a paper -- your mind's a vapor.
Not with a talk, now take a walk!
You will not pass your prelim exam!
You will not pass it, grad I am!

Student

Can I pass it with some cash?
A good amount -- a whole month's stash!
[pulls out $1 bill]

Advisor

[scratches chin]
... OK!

[After applause, "mu in tutu" and Advisor exit stage]

Student

While Clark, Amy, and I sat around fighting,
Micheal A. Marsh did most all of the writing.

Written by Micheal A. Marsh.

Special appearance by Clark Wagner as the particle "mu in tutu".

Based upon the work "Green Eggs and Ham" by Dr. Seuse.